I’ve wanted to write a post on this for SO LONG, but I’ve never really taken the leap and just been open about it all. I’m not sure why; it just seems like a scary thing, putting this out for people to see – so we’ll see how long this stays up for.
My appearance. I’ll always be the first person to point out any of my own flaws. I am both my own worst critic and also an incredibly unconfident person. Is unconfident a word? I don’t know. Anyway.
One thing I do struggle to talk about, and absolutely cannot deal with anyone else talking about, is my skin. My skin has always been my biggest flaw – literally. I developed pretty bad eczema as a baby, and I’ve never been quite able to shake it off. Throw some god-awful teenage acne into the mix and you’ve got yourself a gal in her early twenties who can barely bring herself to look in the mirror when one of her regular flare-ups occur.
Not only that, you also get a gal in her twenties who gets – quite often, surprisingly – comments on the amount of makeup she wears. Don’t get me started on the time I worked in a bar at 19. “You’d be a lot prettier if you wore less makeup” and “I know you’re blushing at me somewhere under all that foundation” were just two lines I got, and I laughed them off at the time. The people saying it didn’t mean any harm. But now, it does annoy me. It makes me a little bit angry, actually. But they weren’t to know, along with every other person who commented at school, on nights out, at university, that the reason I cake my face in foundation has been troubling me for over 20 years now and leaves me looking like this:
(Apologies for being in my pyjamas and not very camera-ready in that photo… I didn’t expect it to make it publicly seen!)
This was a few weeks ago. My eyes started first – it honestly hurt to blink, and I wanted to hide away. I looked like I’d been punched! But I had filming to complete for my degree, so I had to venture outside. Let me tell you, even moisturiser stings when you try to apply it to something as angry as that.
This is how I ended up looking for the rest of the day. You can still clearly see my skin’s a bit of a mess and I was incredibly embarrassed to be walking around like I’d willingly applied my makeup so badly, but I was desperate to cover it up as best I could. And it was heckin’ sore – I flew upstairs to the bathroom to get it off my face as soon as I was home.
(I know this sounds like a whole “woe is me” post – trust me, I’m not looking for sympathy here. I just like to be honest, and hopefully this could prompt more skin-related posts in the future.)
I’ve been quite down a lot recently. I mean, there’s a lot going on: I’m having a bit of an existential crisis while I apply for jobs, and while I apply for jobs, I’m jobless. Obviously. Based on the job applications, I don’t know which city I’ll be living in in the next few months – or even which country at that. I’m slowly (quickly) running out of money, because I’m spending it all on rent and basic expenses while I have no proper income. And all of that causes muchos stress, which in turn causes flare-ups. Which then causes me to feel down, and get sad and stressed, and get more flare-ups, and I continue feeling sad and in pain and self-conscious until it clears up for a few days.
BUT. One thing I’ve been told since I was a child is to always remember that there are people out there with it worse. Much worse. People who have had such heartbreaking, life-changing things happen to their skin, and that anything I experience is nothing in comparison to what they have to go through. So as much as I complain about my face stinging, or not being able to wear a skirt on a nice day, or having to wear a long-sleeved top on a night out, I always remind myself that they’re incredibly teeny-tiny absolute non-issues in the grand scheme of things.
So, here’s me showing a side to myself that I’ve tried hiding from even the closest people to me, and hopefully helping other people to try and gain a little bit of confidence with their own skin conditions. <3