I’ve been considering writing this post for a good while now, and despite setting up my laptop numerous times, I just couldn’t find the words to even start anything. Not for a lack of anything to actually say, but more so just because I haven’t really known how to capture my thoughts and write them down recently.
I had a pretty difficult time growing up in the way of confidence and self-esteem and whatnot, and upon leaving high school, moving away and starting university, these problems slowly started to fade. I was really happy and comfortable with myself for the first time since I’d become a teenager, and things were good. But things change, and after a series of these changes, this feeling of self-doubt started creeping back up on me. And as time went on, it grew into something that even dwarfed the way I felt all those years ago in school.
I suppose I figured that when you hit your 20s, your problems as a teenager disappear. No more self-loathing, lack of confidence… You’re an adult, and you have everything under control. So the day I found myself uncontrollably crying in the library, panicking at the thought of submitting work I wasn’t ready to submit, it knocked me quite a bit. And soon it had all spiralled out of control, and it became even worse than my teenage years. I’d messed everything up; I’d made so many mistakes, and now I was left to deal with the consequences. I let myself slowly become a victim of my own hatred, and I began to hide myself away more and more.
This continued for weeks, and throughout it all, I was constantly determined to write something. I was aware that about two months had passed since my last post, and it infuriated me to no end. But every time I sat by myself, I couldn’t bear it. So many thoughts ran through my head when I tried, and none of them were good. Knowing I couldn’t do the one thing that I felt I had control over was killing me, and even though I was always making promises that I’d write by the end of the week or whatever, I knew deep down that it was a big ask for myself.
I wrote this post today. Two months on, I’ve managed to sit down, and harness all my feelings and energy and emotions and write this post. And to be honest, I don’t actually know where I’m going with it… but I suppose I never really do. What I do know is that I’m on the way up. A better up this time. I’m not forcing myself to get on with it, I’m not pushing myself to get out there and make a change – I’m just being positive.
I know; it’s cliche as hell, and I’d always roll my eyes when I would get told to “just think positive”. But taking the time out to just stop, focus and evaluate everything from a new viewpoint really genuinely has helped. I’ve made some radical changes in my life – some good, some bad. Some of them, I know I’ll have regrets about. Maybe that’s another story for a different day; but for the most part, things are getting good again. I’ve just finished my first week in an internship for the summer which I’ve loved so far. I’ve also got a degree! My exam results came through on Friday and I’ve now got a degree with merit in BA International Business, which to be honest has really caught me out given that my coursework hand-ins and exams all fell in the same timeframe as this period – I’d already accepted the idea of doing re-sits. I’ve decided to stay on for another year to gain an honours in the field, which is a challenge I’m actually now excited for. My self-confidence has slowly started to return, and I’ve been incredibly lucky and blessed to have had this occur.
I don’t even know how to end this post, given that I didn’t have a clue what to actually say in the first place. I suppose my main point is, life can get rubbish. It can be really, really cruel, and sometimes it doesn’t look like it’ll ever let up. But there’s still beauty in the world, and even the smallest of things can distract you from the dark times. It’s a big place, and there’s so much more out there than the issues that are coming at you from all angles – but letting them get to you and force you to stay hidden away will only stop you from experiencing it. Set small goals, push boundaries, talk to people you wouldn’t have usually talked to. Wake up early and make the most of a full day, take time out to reflect on what you have and what you should be grateful for. Believe in yourself. Be positive. ♡
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